I've been really impatient... I have made things a drag that could have been quite fun. I have turned days torturous that might have been joyful. I needed to learn how to manage my determination and drive. I could have accepted where I was at and the beauty it held instead of focusing on where I yearned to be instead.
I needed to go for process in order to then get product. I have not fully appreciated in the moment the gifts of past 'nows' or the people that were sharing them with me. I was worried that I wasn't quite as ready, or perfect or ahead enough, as I thought I needed to be, to relax and let go into them. I have felt 'betwixt' in a state between the old and the new, waiting to emerge, and not feeling done or complete on one side or the other.
My truth-seeking has been almost self-sadistic - for me and then others that I have leaked my own inner frustrations at. I get it now. And I realise that on a big level completion doesn't exist, beyond the point that we are already complete underneath all of the crap.
I do believe that I needed the urgency that I was moved by towards my freedom and rebirth and getting to a greater place of self-knowledge because before that I really struggled hard on a million levels and I wonder whether I even could have made things fun from that place. But, going forwards, and even if I were to go back, I would tell myself to enjoy the journey more. Because moments are all we have. Moment after moment. And each one counts. And each one can be savoured. And each one is gone. Is gone. Is gone...
And all we really remember from life is how we felt at the time.
The alchemical antidote that I have identified for my frustration, impatience and waiting is savouring, joy and pleasure.
In tantra it's all about following your pleasure and when I was struggling to know my compass point within so that it could lead me through the dark forest I found myself in I started to see it as a lantern - a lantern of joy that I could trust. I've struggled since to maintain following this when other things like my restless search for improvement have tried to take over. But I'm with it now. I'm going for pleasure.
Longings are hard. We need longing - the seed of our search and spirituality. It can be magical. But it needs to be managed well and not completely take up our life because we can then end up missing all the presents and treasures and gifts that are offered in them daily.
One longing I have is for a man that I can create a loving partnership with. In 2011, when I was single for the first time ever, and starting to rewrite my life from a new place, I wrote a poem to the man that I wanted to meet:
Just float in the moat in the essence of my dream
A collaborative partnership, a love, a pair, a team
A two part strong community, held together by love
For life and for each other, nurturer within and snug fit glove
But never oppresses or forces to conform
There ain’t no set criteria or some whack set up norm
There is space for opportunity, peace and inner calm
An air of respect and wisdom not overshadowed by charm
I’ll caress you, aim not to stress you, water flowers, not bring crap
Never lose myself within you or hold you in a trap
I’ll be bold, right true to me, respect your different mix
Let’s trade specialities and get funky with tantrics
I’ll check my expectations, never keep you in a bind
Bring you inspiration, colour, laughter, might just free your mind
You will not ever break me, I’m a strong warrior Goddess
So don’t expect to own me or to keep me in duress
I do not want to dominate this, overshadow or control
So mate you better hold your own if you’re to fill this role
I do not need a man, I just need you not to need a girl
To respect our independence, and not get caught up in a whirl
I don’t know who I’m addressing this here extract to
But hell if and when you arrive what a lucky man are you!
To be with me will be a treat, colourful adventure divine
But, until that day, my lover, I’m having a delicious time
The thing was, I was quite new to spirituality and my first, quite common, route through it was BYPASS all the way. I didn't know that I was doing this until I had been f*cked over by it a million times afterwards, but anyway, the truth is I didn't have a 'delicious time' after writing this; mostly because for a long amount of that time I was waiting and searching and had a lot of sh*t to clear and hard lessons to learn. But, I am at peace enough and following my joy enough now to enjoy that 'delicious time' I promised myself back then.
I listened to a podcast the other day in which Danielle LaPorte talked about 'happily preparing' for what we are longing for. She mentioned the paradox that exists, which I have experienced before, that when we actually let go of the longing and expectations for the future or something we want to enter our life we then actually end up creating the space and match the frequency that is required to attract it towards us.
I also read the following, just yesterday, and this is a great updated version of what I long for but which I am 'happily preparing' for and savouring every self-joy during, until then:
'This is the kind of man you deserve'
There is nothing sexier than a man
Who knows how to traverse the juicy pathways of his own heart
A man who can stand to be called out on his sh*t
A man who, when you boldly ask him to be there,
Says yes—hell yes
And shows up beautifully,
With every ounce of his beating heart.
There is nothing more beautiful than a man
Who talks openly and passionately about what’s on his mind
Rather than pulling far away and glossing it over
With a bullish*t generic response of
There is nothing more breathtaking in the world than a man
Who knows the salty taste of tears
A man who lets you see him on his worst days
Vulnerability hanging out of his split-open heart like ripped ribbons.
There is nothing more bone-suckin’ delicious than a man
Who knows how to take care of a woman,
How to touch her softly and fiercely at the same time
How to f*ck her wildly while gazing gently into the sapphire depths of her soul
How to set her free while claiming her
And make her feel like a cherished jewel of divinity,
Like the goddess she is.
There is absolutely nothing more astounding than a man
Who kisses like he could die five minutes from now
A man who understands the gem preciousness of this breath
This inhale…and exhale…
A man who wants nothing more
Than to face the world together
As you both smile,
Set the air around you on delicate fire
And ascend towards nectar galaxies far too beautiful to comprehend.
There is nothing more maddeningly magnificent than a man
Who pulls you close and declares his love for you
And shouts it from the rooftops like music
And weaves his fingers through yours with ripe enthusiasm
And isn’t scared to call you too soon
And call you out on your sh*t
And call you
The luscious love of
There is nothing more goddamn gorgeous than a man
Who is fiercely himself
Who holds the strongest heart space
In his warm, sultry embrace
For you to bloom
As he does the same.
At the end of every dissolving sands, apricot sunset-soaked day—there is nothing sexier than a man
Who knows how to love himself.
A man who values the truth running through his veins like sacred ink.
A man brave enough to be there for you—and himself—when sh*t is beautiful and when it’s completely falling apart.
This is the kind of man you deserve.
A man who isn’t afraid of emotion.
A man who shows up one hundred percent.
A man who is ready—who craves—every drop, drip and ounce of an authentic, earthy goddess of a wonderful woman like you.
Let him kiss you with his entire being until you remember who you really are.
Don’t settle down with him--
Into a more luscious, technicolor life
A life so beautiful it hurts sometimes.
A life so fulfilling you’ll never be thirsty again.
A life so freeing and spun of soul it makes you dizzy.
Anything less than this
Heartfelt, present, purely sacred beauty
Is a goddamn
‘Cause when the divine masculine meets the divine feminine, magic happens.
The sweetest magic of all.
Are you ready for it?
Sarah Harvey ('This is the kind of man you deserve' published on Elephant Journal, June 2016).
Follow along with my process of 'Surrendered Alchemy' and my 21 day treasure hunt for self-availability via my newsletter or social media, below. xxx