Happy birthday day! I'm thinking about you again today, like so often. I miss you so much and I so wish that you were here now. I didn't want you to leave when you did, but I am so grateful for the time we had here together. You were such an inspiring, joyful and wise man and your presence was such a gift for everyone that experienced it. And I had the privilege of being your Granddaughter! I am so grateful for that.
You were so full of integrity and kindness, yet you didn't let anyone walk over you and you stood your ground with ruthless compassion. You were consistent. Consistent in yourself, consistent in being there for me - a rare gift in a world of inconsistency and lack of availability. Truthful, willing to admit mistakes and humble, you never lost your sense of humour, even whilst I watched you die. You were so full of gratitude, even to me and to your small family with the smallest of things, every day. You made a difference to so many people's lives, just by living yours; consciously where you could, from your heart. You were always ready to laugh and always ready to dance.
Thank you for always seeing my treasure and truthfully calling me your treasure. Thank you for giving me your torch and guiding me, thank you for seeing my 'special', regardless of whether or not I could see it and thank you for loving me unconditionally. My one wish is that I can more fully and fully do the same for myself, forevermore - because I know that that is what I need to do for the rest to work out right.
I learnt this painful lesson recently, on a deep level. I got to the root of a pattern this time. And now I need to act on it. I need to transform this old story, which has run its course, into a new one. I need to rise like a phoenix from these ashes... Pappy, can you help me?
I don't know how to do this - I've not done it before.
How did you do it? How were you there for me so consistently and how do I replicate that now within myself?
I've thought about these questions all day, this letter open but unfinished and then, just now, I saw the answer. The answer is in the question, actually. It is consistency. You were consistent, consistently. You never let me down.
I saw this because at my desk I have a turtle and an egg, either side of your desk name holder which I have treasured and kept at my own desk in tribute to you. When you were passing I saw the turtle in your face. You looked more and more like a turtle as you passed away. And when I went to Sri Lanka this year I got to spend loads of time on a turtle nesting beach. One of these nights I sat through the night for hours and watched a turtle come out of the water and then lay her eggs in the sand in a hole she had buried and then slowly move into the sea. It took a really long time. It was like she was never going to get there. But she did it in the end. And she did it by consistently moving towards what she was working to do, step by step by step - slow and steady. She had spent so long and so much effort on her mission but she did it, one movement at a time.
You always used to say to me things like 'you don't give yourself enough time' or 'you don't give the grass time enough to grow beneath your feet' or 'take it day by day.'
And I have learnt these lessons acutely this year but now I see the missing piece I need in my own journey of wholeness and freedom and full unconditional love for myself. So that the masculine in me can show up for me in the way that I want it to show up for me outside of me. So that the feminine in me will then let go and be available to the masculine because she will trust him that he is there too.
I see. I commit to doing this. I commit to consistency. I commit to catching myself when I fall. I commit to consistently being available for and showing up for myself for 21 days; to build this trust and allow this integration within myself. That certainly doesn't mean perfect, but it will be a journey. And I am committed to some clear consistencies and boundaries in it - like you showed me.
Thank you, again and for everything.
All my love, your special xxx