The biggest thing that I am learning so far on my journey to catch myself when I fall is that being available to myself is all about being available to the present moment. Being available to me in the present moment. Whatever that means. I have been noticing when I want to run from the present moment because of the feelings that it offers me - whether that means sadness or anger or even boredom.
I didn’t think I believed in boredom as I have always thought that there is so much beauty and amazingness in the world that anyone would be a fool to be bored but there have been times in the last four days when I have indeed caught myself doing things just to avoid being with what ‘is’, when that might just be nothingness in that moment. I notice my want to get busy and do some work, or eat something, or distract myself with something else, to change the present from what it is or avoid sitting with 'what is', when actually I see that I am just avoiding the ‘unwanted’ feelings that it holds.
So I have been trying to consciously hold myself with whatever I have been trying to avoid, instead, and then it is always such a surprise that whatever it was that I was avoiding doesn’t actually last that long when I embrace it, isn’t that bad and it holds these amazing hidden treasures that I wouldn’t have accessed, if I had continued to avoid it. In fact, if I had continued to avoid it that ‘dark and scary thing’ would have built a shadow bigger and bigger as it persisted and persisted and loomed over me because ultimately these feelings can’t just disappear - they demand to be felt, in whichever way they can. Or they will manifest into other forms of dis-ease…
Like the falling leaves, which seem to long to fall to the ground and change into the next season’s growth, these ‘darker’ feelings of sadness or nothingness or whatever within me want to be felt, so that they can contribute to my own turning of the wheel, either in bringing me messages as to what I need more or less of or to help me grow or be more nourished in some way. I have sought and found so many great tools for decoding the messages in my emotions and I am trying to use them more than ever right now so that I can really be available to them. To me. Sometimes it is too much and I need to lean out in some way instead - I am so not perfect, but I am more comfortable with that than ever.
What I know is that if I don’t fully embrace the grief and the falls of Autumn and if I try to pause it and avoid it because of my discomfort with whatever it holds then Summer will never come around again, not truly or as fully as it can; and I shall be forever ‘on pause’. And Summer is really no more beautiful than Autumn anyway. So, I’m going for movement whenever I can, movement not through avoidance or numbing but through feeling through it. As much as I can, as consciously as I can.
And when I make a 'mistake' or do something that distracts me (and sometimes there is loads of wisdom in this - just for only a small part of the time) I have the biggest opportunity of all to 'catch me when I fall'. I will not fall 'off the wagon' because I am not on 'a wagon'. I'm with me, going all the way with me.
And if I don’t catch me when I fall within Fall, with the safe structure of consistent containment that I have set for myself for these 21 days, then I cannot let go fully and feel and release whatever it is that has risen up to be released, transformed or healed because I won’t feel safe enough to do so. And so I won’t be able to go deep enough to claim all of my treasures on this journey that this season so clearly and deeply holds.
I want to FALL in love, on my quest for Wild Magical Freedom.