Some people have asked me about what I mean about my 'inner feminine' and 'inner masculine'. It's my inner love story. It's like yin and yang that have their equal and amazing place in making up the whole. It's the laws of nature. It's the polarity we have inside of us (each and every one of us, whether we know it or not and whatever gender or sexual orientation we are) and this love story is about bringing them together to use their unique gifts, traits and energies in harmony with each other - but also in being able to flexibly use or draw on either side when they are needed. There are shadow sides of each too so polarity within the polarity. This journey is about union.
I have been in and out of discussions with my inner feminine over the past five days. My inner masculine has stepped up for this self-availability journey/challenge but she has been a bit hesitant of the approach, delaying it. So she told him what she wants and needs, as well as his consistency, discipline and commitment...
My inner feminine knows. She has shared her wisdom with my inner masculine and guided him through healing. Now she wonders if he is ready to take this show on and to let go and let him in. She has told him what she knows and needs.
She has two other things going on too...
She is a bit resistant to nourishment because it is unknown to her. She has never consistently received it in all the deep ways that she needs. For me in my life, it's like chaos addiction. The chaos and lack of coherence is more comfortable even though its not nurturing. She wants the nourishment but she doesn't want it as she doesn't know what she will be with it. She knows she needs it but isn't sure she can trust it. The fear of the unknown. An upper limit on how much good she can handle. Old, almost ancestral, questions about her own worthiness.
She is wild and if she is not leaned into consistently she will sabotage the whole show and show up as destruction. One example I can give of this is in smoking cigarettes. Her feminine wisdom comes to me when I stop concentrating all of my mind on doing or achieving something that requires all of my attention. She comes when I am driving, when I am walking, when I am dancing, when I am doing yoga, when I am doing something creative, when I am meditating, or something similar...and also when I am smoking. Any activity that takes care of the doing and the space comes for her to speak. When I don't create enough spaces like this to lean in to her she will urge me into lesser overall nourishing ways like smoking - a quick fire way that she can be heard. Yes, there is alot more going on in this habit like the chemical addiction and want to disconnect or escape and repress and also some potentially more nourishing pulls like just leaning out for a few minutes or sharing what is like a 'peace pipe' with others - connecting through doing the same thing at the same time, socially. But in doing it consciously in periods when it's not being needed for suppression or connection it seems clear why really it is. She doesn't care how she gets me to listen. Because when I do she can then tell me that there is another way. She told me that in these 21 days of self availability I can choose to create or to destroy. I've worked around these patterns and habits and built enough new ones alongside the old to choose other ways. I choose to create and also create the spaces that she deserves.
My inner feminine will do all she can to ensure my inner masculine sees her treasure. She sees his treasure. she has seen the potential of it all along.
Is it time?