I've been delaying this, waiting for all of the pieces to come together, clearing space and getting focused and clear. I'm so beyond rushing things. But I don't think that there is anything more that is needed now, to start.
Treasure. It's all been about treasure. And my availability to my own treasure. It's like my entire life so far has been a treasure hunt to reclaim the treasures that were in me all along and see them and hold them and value them for all that they are and then live and embody them and share them from a strong place where they can overflow.
Most of them have been hidden inside traumas; some big and some very small. A dark part of that journey was trying to make others see or accept or claim my treasure. But, after passing through some dark, deep swampy areas that I could barely even make out on my map and then coming face to face with my own reflection, I saw that the person that needed to see and accept my treasure, all this time, was me.
My inner masculine needs to see my inner feminine's treasure. And she needs to value and trust his, too. He has been absent on many levels, not standing up in his power and being there to consistently hold and catch my inner feminine when she falls.
I need to unlock my own heart with the key that I have, now that I have learnt from previously trying it in so many of the wrong locks. I want my inner feminine and masculine to work together as a team in their availability to each other - to unite and bring both of their needed aspects to the table to create harmony and coherence in my being and life.
I am currently committing to this for 21 days to create a container for consistency, discipline, power and listening from my inner masculine and a safe space for my inner feminine to trust and offer her wisdom and build a new relationship with nourishment. A space to be available to all of the parts of me and create flow between giving and receiving. A journey of grieving and releasing the past and limiting beliefs and stories whilst simultaneously gratefully celebrating the present and creating and welcoming in the new. Writing my freedom, a day at a time.
But, what is my treasure?
Since feeling the call to make this commitment to myself I have spent alot of time looking into how I can do this and have been trying to 'pin down' what my treasure is. This same treasure that I have been so desperate for some others to see. What is it that the inner masculine needs to see in my inner feminine that I have been trying to resolve on the outside?
I feel like my inner feminine has seen my inner masculine's treasures and potential for a long time now and she has been waiting for him to step up and embody them. In my life so far he has acted more like my wounded critic rather than inner hero, due to a number of reasons and life experiences. He has suppressed my inner feminine and her feelings and wisdom on many levels whilst at the same time letting her run wild and descending chaos on my life in rebellion due to his lack of consistent holding and containment.
This 21 days will be a journey into my treasure. A journey of gratitude for the treasures that I find, claim or celebrate. Full acceptance for the treasures - whether they are 'ugly' or 'beautiful'.
I am aware of the gap that exists on any healing journey between the point of insight and awareness in the mind and the embodiment of this awareness in life that really integrates this knowing through experience. That is why I want to really live this availability and treasure for at least 21 days, to start, so that I can fully reclaim and integrate my treasures and win my own heart back.
I have created an 'availability altar' to act as a focus and power point for this journey and to also bring magic and celebration to the challenge. It includes a stone I painted a turtle on, bringing me the medicine I need in terms of a slow, steady and consistent approach that is needed for these 21 days. I have a photo frame dedicated to my inner feminine and masculine treasures, mostly placing those treasures that I associated with the 'masculine' on the outside - the container and holder - and the mostly 'feminine' ones on the inside.
What will happen in these 21 days?
I don't know exactly what will happen or what will be the result and I am focusing on the process rather than the product, but, I know that:
*It will be practice, experience and a step by step journey.
*It will be a grateful celebration of my treasures and a looking in daily at what is alive in me.
*It will be a treasure hunt - my treasure hunt. A hunt for any remaining treasures that I need on my quest. It will be a full reclaim and lock down of the ones I have already found so that I can proceed with my full bounty intact, owned and accounted for.
*It will be going into the dark, where most treasures are found, and being with my fears and limiting beliefs and challenges as they arise, as well as my joy, love and resources, so that I can heal, release or transform the old stories and blocks to create space for the new that I want to write, from my treasure.
*It will be consistently sticking with some boundaries that I have set: consistent nourishment and completion of beautiful daily rituals and practices that I have adopted or created. It will be leaning into my grief as well as joy. It will involve releasing, surrendering and letting go as well as creating, building and gardening.
*It will be feeling my feelings and holding myself in those feelings. It will be healing my heart with my heart and not my mind.
*It will mean being present to the needs of the moment and taking one step and one day at a time.
*It will be a journey of truly believing in and deeply trusting in myself...
*It will be a process (rather than product) of loving me in the way that I seek also to be loved on the outside. It will be choosing me. Seeing me. Accepting me. Celebrating me. Claiming me.
Maybe everything I have ever dreamed of is on the other side of these 21 days. I am going to find out...
Join me? I'd love company... xxx
If you would like to join me on my 21 day treasure hunt for self-availability, reclaiming and celebrating my treasure and winning back my own heart, follow along with this blog, on my social media under this article or sign up to my newsletter here, below.