*Maybe don't read this if you have an unhealthy aversion to the darker or harder things in life - it also contains sensitive material and potentially could be triggering for people. But it's important.*
Why won't my masculine step up? Why won't he be available to and show up for my feminine?
Some more final pieces of the puzzle came together today when I had a Shamanic healing session in which I asked to retrieve the masculine part of my soul that seemed to be missing. As much as I have identified what he needs to do over the past few days (and before) he still wasn't stepping up - so I took another step toward him. So the feminine in me needs consistency from him. He gets it! So she needs him to hold her and maintain the boundaries...why can't he do it then?
So what happened in this profound session was that I found this missing part of my soul, locked down in the depths and in the shadows in a stark concrete cell - a shimmering golden star of everything that was mine that needed to be back in my being.
This part of my soul left me when I was sexually abused by my Step-Grandpa when I was a child. A key reason (but not the only one - it's not quite this simple) the masculine in me is so wounded that he can't step up and catch my feminine when she falls is because he was not allowed to do his job when he most needed to in my life. Instead of being my inner hero he became my wounded critic. He was castrated. How could he stand up and stop what was happening to me when a powerful masculine in my outside world was playing God and overriding him? Inner. Power. Gone. The damage this does is massive and it doesn't just come from sexual abuse. It can happen from the smallest of things - the tiniest of traumas. In this case it set up a deep inner conflict within me - between the part of me that knew that I was innocent and pure and the part of me that now hated myself and wanted to dissociate from and renounce my body; despite knowing I couldn't have stopped it more than I had. Between the part of me that needed saving and the part of me that didn't save her - divided.
In this abuse my power was taken away.
I learnt to have shame and I learnt to self-loathe. I learnt to look outside for validation. Not only because of this, but right now, I am talking about this.
My wounded masculine panicked. He felt like he was useless and was scared about what life would be like, now that he had experienced being powerless to protect me. So, from an attitude of scarcity coming from a place of fear, he started being all critical and controlling and perfectionist and, terrified of the way my feminine and body might betray my whole being again he learnt to shut her down and make me escape to my mind. He was afraid of the emotional and physical response from this trauma in my body and started to hate and quieten the feminine in me for being 'too much' or overwhelming - too wild and too chaotic. I numbed sections of my body that I only came to be aware of when I started meditating and becoming more aware of my body. He was unable to contain her/me or set boundaries, having had all that disrupted from the outside in. She rebelled and she also had some other issues. Disharmony well and truly set in. They developed a codependent dysfunctional relationship.
It isn't as simple as quickly finding this key missing piece of my masculine power and putting it back. This is a neat and way so over-simplified version here. I have done alot of work on this over the past years, and especially more recently, through a range of healing modalities/tantra work/therapy on top of many inner battles. So today is a missing powerful piece on top of all of that foundation - but one that is MASSIVELY instrumental in me finding this integration and harmony and union within myself. When I asked this part of my soul what it needed to return it told me that it wanted me to own this power that was ready to come back to me, to share my story and bring justice by shining my light that was always mine to shine. It told me that the only 'revenge' it wanted was to shine like it was always meant to.
I don't expect things in this inner masculine-feminine relationship to be just fine from this point on or to not have any more inner battles or for things to be perfect. I realise it is just the start. But my inner masculine now says that he is ready for this journey of full self availability. This is what he has to say right now to my feminine:
"I hereby take back loving leadership, with you, on this mission. I am back in my place. I am here to catch you when you fall. I understand that it will take time for you to trust my commitment and consistency, but I have as long as it takes. I can definitely make 21 days as a start - hell, make it 210! I am sorry that I seemed to fail you before but know that there couldn't have been any other way. Let me make this right, here and now. Thanks for knowing what to do to get me back to you and I'm so glad that I actioned those steps that you suggested. I really think we can work together now. I know it's not going to be all easy but I know how deeply beautiful it's going to be and I can't wait to be available to you. I am here now and I love you, I've got you and I see you."
I'm not playing victim here. I am not looking for a response. I've got this... It's tricky material and people find it difficult, but it needs to be less stigmatised. It is an important part of this unfolding inner story and I refuse to leave anything out, even if it's heavy.
I am not in a position to be speaking about this in video form right now but my main girl Layla here (www.layla-martin.com) shares some things that I think are really valuable to hear about this topic and I share many of her great views on. #iamnotashamed.